


Regretful Reflection

by Airi (MultisFabulis)



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-12 21:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16003979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MultisFabulis/pseuds/Airi
Summary: Inside the never-ending world, a girl, full of regrets, remembers her life, or lack thereof.





	Regretful Reflection

     She found herself in a field full of white chrysanthemums. The first thing she saw were desks above her arranged in a way to form a ceiling. This kind of room would probably make you think you were in a waking dream of sorts. However, she had grown used to seeing this peculiar sight whenever she arrived here. It served as her prison in the Haze, keeping her trapped till time wound itself back up.

     Sitting up, she let out a tired sigh and buried her face in her red scarf. How many more times would she go through this? Falling to her death over and over again in each new loop Marry created in a desperate attempt to be with her friends. She didn’t know if this was the 1,000th, 10,000th, or 100,000th loop she was in; she lost count. To think, she was only in this mess because she wanted to save everyone she loved from being killed by that monster.

     At least, that’s what she tried to convince herself of. She came to realize over time that maybe the real reason she decided to jump off the school rooftop was because she wanted to die. It wasn’t for the noble cause she tried to use for justification. It was because she selfishly desired death that she was in this situation. Maybe this is the perfect punishment for an awful person like me, she thought long ago.

     What she hated was that she had no reason to want to die. She had a loving family and friends, things people less fortunate than her would be lucky to have. Her siblings had more reason to have a desire to die than her yet she couldn’t shake that horrible feeling off. Nothing she did could persuade her otherwise and it was at that point she realized she was broken. If she talked to anyone about this, she’d disappoint them more than she already did. That’s why, in order to keep it all to herself, she crafted the image of being this strong, dependable, cheerful person so as to prevent the cracks from showing who she really was.

     Unfortunately, that had its drawbacks. No matter how much she wanted to scream or cry, she couldn’t risk shattering that image. She couldn’t allow herself to be anything but the girl she pretended to be. Sadness hid behind every smile and if she faltered just a little, the tears would overflow and ruin everything. It was better to grin and bear it than to let the mask fall and disappoint them.

     Inside the Haze, however, she didn’t have to keep the facade up. No one was here so there wasn’t a need to deceive. That was the one good thing she liked about being in the Haze.

     She bore her eyes at the redness of her scarf. “Red is the color of heroes,” she had said to her siblings to comfort them about their red eyes. She once wondered if having those red eyes would save someone but the world spitefully told her she was wrong. Even so, her wish for them was granted and so she was given the ability to convey her thoughts to someone, “favoring” them above all else. It was a cruel twist of irony to have a power to convey that which she didn’t want others to know.

     It was silly to yearn for her return to a world that always spat her back out. A world that was determined to erase any proof of her existence and deny her the thing she’s killed herself for so many times. The world hated her very being as much as she did yet she wanted to go back to it. If only because it allowed her to be with her family again, to reminisce over the happier times.

     The Haze began to shift, indicating her time to be dwindling to a close. She felt herself being pulled back, returning to the point before she met her siblings. Now she had another opportunity to repeat the same mistakes and lament over the same regrets as before.

     Letting her parents die. Not being able to save her friends. Forcing her little brother to witness her death and shoulder the burden she left. Not being able to stop the snake from killing all that she loved.

     As she succumbed to the start of a new loop, she thought about the biggest regret she had. The one regret that stood out amongst the rest. A regret that, no matter how many loops he visited her on, she’d never say to him.

     “I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> So, as you can see from the first paragraph, I based this off of Additional Memory. As for why I wrote it, the more I listened to AM, the more the idea of Ayano sorta reflecting on her life choices trickled into my mind until it eventually came out into this. Also because I wanted to kinda expand upon what I believed to be Ayano’s depression and how it came to be. I hope you enjoyed reading this!


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